Say What You Wanna Say

Truthfully, I'm not sure what I want to say.

School's been hard. And stressful. And long. 

I miss myself and the teacher I used to be, who had energy and was constantly creative. I've been pushed this year and made to feel like I am constantly being watched. It's not just me, it's everyone. Somehow, I keep coming back every morning (and super early). 

After a couple of breakdowns, a lot of weight loss, and a few steps of courage to ask permission to teach the way I used to last year on Fridays after being told 'no' once previously (L and I were able to co-teach science and social studies Fridays), I've begun to take steps backwards to what I know is best for me and my students. It's helping me move forward.      

I absolutely know why it takes a village - it's for the teachers. To anyone who thinks they can do it alone, then call me weak right now - but I am better because of coaches and coworkers who grace my days. Blessed would be an understatement. 

Yes, the days that go well make it so easy to see why I am doing this and so easy to appreciate every process I have gone through (the professional learning, collaboration, growing) to get where I am. But am I where I want to be?

When things and people change and you constantly have to reprove yourself it gets tiring. The stress is unhealthy, on so many levels. But, then I see the kids. Kids who are now in 4th grade and I've known them since 1st. I'm reminded that I wanted this job, at this school. I wanted it badly, and not so long ago. So how do you know when and if it's time to walk away?

I don't have the answers.

I have health insurance. 

I have a job. 

I have my own place to live. 

I have my own car. 

I have coworkers who have become friends. 

Four years ago I didn't have any of this. Two years ago I still didn't have some of these things. 

I don't know how the remainder of the school year will go or what's in store. I don't know where it will take me. For now, I'll still be grateful for this as well: